PPD...That ugly word...

This excerpt was written by me shortly after the birth of our second.  I wanted to share it here because it is so, SO dear to my heart.  I pray it be a blessing to you as you read it.  If you are experiencing post partum depression, know, dear sister, you are not alone and it DOESN’T make you a bad mother.  Talk to your husband; talk to a friend, your pastor, your doctor/midwife…please—talk with someone.  You don’t have to suffer alone and I promise you, your life will be blessed by allowing another to carry your burden and to pray for you.  Most importantly, spend time with the Lord.  You are worthy, dear one. 

“Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved.” – Psalm 55:22

 “Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” – Galatians 6:2

Jayna- The Modern Hippy Housewife

Ahh Sunday afternoon naps are the best in my house.  It is probably the most peaceful time I have all week long.  The girls are snuggly nestled into their cribs, Andy is sleeping like a baby and I- I am on the couch, in my jammies snuggled up with my favorite blankey and reflecting on today's message at church. 

We haven't been attending church as much as I'd like to lately.  I was thankful to make it this Sunday, even if it was just for Sunday School.  It is a season of our life that I have come to accept and at times appreciate.  The birth of our second threw our little family through the ringer.  Postpartum depression crept over my spirit like a thief in the night.  It's funny because you hear the doctors or midwives warning you about it.  You hear stories from friends who have walked through it before you, yet in the back of your mind, you think, "I don't get depressed". 

Approaching the arrival of our second, people would come to me, tap on my belly, look at my oldest who was just 13 months old and still sitting on my hip because she was a late walker, and say, "Oh honey you are going to have your hands full!"  It felt almost as if they were laughing at me.  It made me feel ashamed.  If only they would have said, "Sister, this is going to be hard.  But I love you, and I promise to walk through the fire with you".  If instead they had simply wrapped their arms around me and said, "Don't let the girls' closeness in age scare you.  Remember- You can do ALL things through Christ.  It doesn't say SOME things.  It says ALL things." I wonder if I had heard these things early on, would I have had such mixed feelings about my pregnancy with Eva.  Would I have been in denial during the onset of labor?  Would I have bonded quicker to my sweet little lovey?  Would I not be carrying this guilt that I have for not being excited she was here?

I was not at all emotionally connected with my pregnancy with her.  My anxiety froze my emotions solid.  I denied to feel, really FEEL her in the womb, to connect with her spiritually and emotionally.  I was going through the motions.  When labor began, I was in denial.  The midwife almost didn't make it to our house before she was born.  And after she was born, everything happened so fast- there were so many people around me- so many different emotions going on- I was on auto pilot.  In the deepest parts of my brain, I was worried about Grace; I was worried about Andy; I was worried about getting my floors swept; I was worried about diapers getting washed.  But the one thing I wasn't worried about was how I was feeling towards my baby.  It DIDN'T even occur to me.  I felt that there was something off about the whole situation but I didn't know what.  I knew how to mother a baby.  I knew how to breastfeed a baby.  I already knew what was normal and what wasn't.  I knew I loved my baby...but...I DID. NOT. KNOW. my baby. 

As soon as Eva was born I knew I loved her but it was a different feeling than with Grace and it confused the heck out of me. I was addicted to her and terribly afraid to be apart from her.  She needed me more than Grace did at her age.  I wrapped her tightly around my body and never put her down.  I wore her every second.  We slept in the same bed because the second we were disconnected from one another, both of our worlds came crashing down.  It was like I couldn't get enough of her but at the same time, I wanted to get far far away from my new reality. The deepest saddness would wash over my spirit.  I could feel her heart breaking...like a part of her was dying. I spent most of the first two weeks in tears, trying to figure out how I would love both of my girls the same. 

From day one, Eva wore a look of confusion and pain.  She cried nonstop.  Nothing soothed her besides being at the breast.  I was exhausted, sleep deprived, depressed. A good friend discerned my sadness and the troubled look on Eva's face.  She took me aside and gave me the best advice I have ever been given.  She told me that I needed to have a heart to heart with my 2 week old baby.  That yes, babies do indeed have intuition and that they can feel and sense things way beyond adult understanding.  And that Eva needed to hear that I loved her.

See how her eyebrows are furrowed.  This is how she looked ALL the time.  Poor baby- you could see it on her face!

I took her advice, as silly as it sounded.  I told my baby that I did love her and that I was sorry for not accepting her presence earlier.  I told her how thankful I was to be her mommy.  I told her that I love her and Grace equally but differently and that is okay.  I loved her in a special way that I could never love Grace and vice versa.  I explained to her that each time you fall in love with someone, you fall in love with them for different reasons.  And on and on I poured my heart out to my tiny little two week old baby.  By the end of our little pow wow I was sobbing.  I never expected the healing that happened afterwards.  It was miraculous.  Her little face relaxed.  Her constant crying began to diminish.  And I realized I no longer just love my baby because that's what mothers do.  I had finally allowed myself to FALL IN LOVE with my baby. 

It took a few months for me to get to know Eva- who she was as a person.  She is sweet and loving and very, very happy.  Soon her cries turned into laughter and her wrinkled confused expression turned into a big whole faced smile.  She still needs me more than Grace did.  But I have learned that you should never compare one child to another.  Each come with a set of attributes and personality that makes them uniquely wonderful.  I have learned that ALL BABIES ARE GOOD (even if they do not sleep at night or seem to always be hungry).  Most importantly, I have learned that you should love each child individually.  God made us all different.  So how could we love them all the same? 

This is her at Christmas.  Her counenance has completely changed.  What a happy girl I have been blessed with :o)  Thank you, Father!  During our tough transition time, I had to CHOOSE joy.  I no longer have to labor to find my joy in the Lord.  He heals all wounds and makes all things good. 

 So she still likes to be worn, but secretly, I am thankful for her "need" for mommy.  Here she is just last week- she was needing a little mommy time.  I don't blame her- those things look faaaa-BU-lous!

We will never understand how our words can effect another person.  Good or bad.  Let us remember to lift one another up in ALL instances. 

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen (Ephesians 4:29).

Thank you to Alyssa and Brandy for your encouragement during some of my darkest moments.  You have done His work well. 

This post was inspired today by one of my sisters from church.  I want her to know that she is not alone.  I'll walk with you, I promise. 

                           Jayna- The Modern Hippie Housewife